In which I meet a cute puppy and almost die in an elevator

Tonight I hung out with a friend of mine from high school at her fancy-shmancy loft in downtown St. Louis. It is one helluva loft, I tell you what. She got it because her parents do some kind of real estate dealings, and the place isn't going to be sold for another year, so they let her and her boyfriend have it. I got to meet and play with their cute puppy that they named "Monster". He was not at all Monster-like. Well, he did try to bite me a few times, but they were play bites.

So I'm heading back down to the basement to my car via an elevator. I press the "B" button, the elevator descends, stops ... and nothing happens. I hit the Open Door button. Nothin'. I hit some other buttons trying to get the elevator to go to another floor. Nada. I wait a minute, then try pressing some more buttons. They light up for a few seconds, then nothing. There wasn't one of those stop/run switches, so I press the button that says "press to call". A dial tone comes out of a speaker, then some pre-programmed number gets dialed, followed by the operator-lady telling me the number I'm trying to call has been disconnected. I check my cell phone -- no signal.

Hmm...this is interesting...

Figuring I have no choice left, I press the alarm button. A bell rings while I hold the button down, then nothing. I figure somebody must've heard that, so I hold it down for a little while longer.

Well, obviously, I'm not going to be stuck in an elevator all night. One of these damn buttons must do something.

About 10 minutes later, I decide to switch up my tactics a bit. Maybe the bell isn't loud enough. So I start yelling for help. I figure in a few minutes, somebody will at least notice a dude screaming in an elevator.

Another 10 minutes go by, my throat is starting to get hoarse. The thought that crosses my mind is:

I probably should save my voice for the morning when somebody will actually walk by and hear me yelling.

Pretty much resigned to the fact that I'm going to be sleeping in an elevator tonight, I sit on the floor and try to get comfortable. It's not an uncomfortable elevator, actually. Definitely long enough so that I can stretch out. More time passes. Then the next thought that crosses my mind is:

I remember when I was a kid I had a deathly fear of elevators. I always thought I was going to die in one...

Then I notice that it's actually uncomfortably warm in there. Is this thing airtight? How much air can an elevator hold?

So I'm up and yelling and pressing the alarm button again. Still nothing. I try to pry the door open with my fingers. Shut too tight. I kick it ninja-style a few times. Probably not going to kick through a half foot of metal, chief. I press the call button again. This time I get a different recording:

"Thank you for calling. Our normal office hours are 8:00 AM to 5:00 PM central time, Monday through Friday..."

Well, I guess I can make it 'til Monday. I had a pretty big dinner...

Now I notice that the screaming has made my throat dry, so I stop. I pull out my keys and manage to wedge one into the door. I try to pry the doors open, but my key just bends. Check my cell phone again -- still no signal. I take a few deep breaths. I try the key thing again, still no luck. So then I get a bright idea: Use two keys. So I cram two keys into the door, and that works well enough so that I can fit my hands in the gap. I brace myself, then pull as hard as I can. I manage to pry the doors open.

The elevator is stuck about a foot above the floor. I hop out and down, get in my car, and drive away. Then I make a phone call to the friend.

Me: Jenny?

Jenny: Yes?

Me: I have something important to tell you.

Jenny: What's that?

Me: Your elevator is broken.

Jenny: What?

Me: I just spent a half hour stuck in your elevator.

Jenny: ...Are you joking?

Me: I am dead-fucking-serious. You should probably call somebody about that.

Jenny: Wow...I'm really sorry.

Me: Well, just thought you should know. Give Monster a kiss for me. 'Night.

Okay, I didn't actually tell her to give her dog a kiss. But the rest is true. Now, in the end, I was only stuck in there for about a half hour. But goddam, did that freak me out.