Epilogue (11 years later) -- Look Around, Look Around

The fun thing about never posting on yer blog is that when you finally do go back and read the last entry, it's like opening up a time capsule.  

•  Me, 14 years ago

Look at where we are / Look at where we started

• "That Would Be Enough", Hamilton

I've spent the last several hours reading through all of my old posts. First of all, I'm extremely grateful that I didn't just delete this thing; having the opportunity to view  snapshot of yourself from 10+ years ago is an amazing gift. I went in expecting to be mortified. I was fully prepared to just cringe my way through this deal, or even give up part of the way through, overwhelmed by shame. But I actually found the experience more eye-opening than anything else. 

I started this blog in 2003, just after I graduated college.  This was the beginning of a very long, very dark time in my life (also known as "my 20s").  It began when I discovered that the profession I had devoted my educational career to, teaching, wasn't going to work out.  Mainly because I hated doing it.  It got worse when my girlfriend from college broke up with me (I do not blame her for that at all, for what it's worth). Since I know myself, I can see the darkness between the lines I've written here.  Sometimes it was subtle.  Other times, less so.  Like the song says, "the fact that [I'm] alive is a miracle", honestly.  As I continued my digital journey down memory lane, I found myself imagining having a conversation with the guy who wrote this blog.  I wanted to tell him a few things:

1. You're a very judge-y dude, you know that? That path does not lead to happiness.  The saying, "judge not, lest ye be judged" is true on many levels.  Viewing the world as a series of binaries, especially when one of them consists of you on one end and your brother on the other, will only cause you more pain.
2. You need to be trying more new things. I know this is hard to hear, but playing video games all day will also not lead to happiness.  It's okay that you don't want to be a teacher, that just means you're free to try all kinds of other new things! And you don't need to wait for a vision, either. You know the path you're on doesn't have heart in it.
3. I'd take it as a personal favor if you kept going to the gym.  And maybe cut out some of those carbs, eh?

Most of all, though, I wanted to do something that he would have never imagined possible: I wanted to forgive him.  To embrace him, and tell him that he was okay, that he's not a freak, that nobody has it all figured it out.  Just keep going, my man.  It will get better.


But, seriously, though ... stick with the gym. I want to have a six pack.