Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days!

That's Matthew 24:19. I know this because I've been reading the Bible today. Well, the Skeptic's Annotated Bible, to be precise. It's a pretty neat setup -- gives you a chapter of scripture at a time with hypertextual references to other parts of the Good Book that contradict or otherwise complicate certain passages. And sometimes, as with the title of this post, it just points out things that are kind of fucked up. Like that quote about how it sucks to have children. Actually, that quote highlights one of the site's shortcomings -- the things it points out as being weird or absurd are sometimes just things taken out of context. That quote, for example, is said by Jesus when he's talking to his peeps about what the end of the world will be like. So yeah, it would be shitty to have children during that time.

Here's a better example of a weird-ass Bible quote:

And [Elisha] went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.
And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.

(2 Kings 2:23-24)

Wow. Some kids make fun of a dude, and God sends a couple of bears to rip 'em apart. Of course, that's in the Old Testament when God hadn't chilled out quite yet.

Other non-Biblical news: I saw the car today. It looks okay. Actually, it looks completely undamaged. Even the papers I had strewn across the floor were still there. But the insurance folk wanted to have a body shop take a look at it, so that's being done as we speak. Yippee! Now I just have to figure out how to return this sweet-ass rental car and get back to the body shop without it costing me an arm and a leg -- unfortunately, Enterprise and the shop are on opposite sides of the state. Even in Rhode Island, that's a $40 cab ride.

This just in...

Two pieces of news I feel I should mention:

1) This is actually old news, but I forgot to post about it before. IB is no longer at my job. He was "laid off". Apparently, Boss told him that there weren't enough calls coming in to keep him employed here. I think this was a nice way of saying, "You're an idiot, even though you are a fellow Christian." In any case, he's not here no more. Last I heard, he was applying for a job with some auto insurance company. Apparently, he would be a claims adjuster with them (if he was hired). As in, one of those guys who drives around and gives people money. Think about that for a moment -- IB in charge of cutting people checks. I'll have to remember not to get insurance with those guys.

2) New news: I got a call from the Providence Police at 4:30 A.M. this morning telling me they've recovered my car. No word yet on the condition of it, but I'm going to head down to ProPo HQ after work today to check it out. The adjuster who's handling my case said it wouldn't take much for it to be considered a total loss, seeing as how it's old and stuff. Maybe the thieves were good drivers.

And a special shoutout to my lady, who I'm sure is working hard on her thesis at this very moment and wouldn't even be reading this because that would be procrastinating. And you never procrastinate, do you?

...They never boil, I hear.

Free (legal) music for you: My roommate's band. Check it out. I feel like a douche for not knowing that they were called "Watched Pot". I just thought their name was "Mikey's Band". Two free songs for you to download. Well, one for download, the other for just listening. Unfortunately, my personal favorite, "The Caterpillar Song", "The Centipede Song" (yes, I confused caterpillars with centipedes. I'm stupid), isn't one of them. But these are really good, too. In case you didn't know, "Cool Ethan's Song" is from a movie called "Slackers", which my roommate thinks is the best movie ever made. I'm guesstimating, but I think he's watched that flick at least a bazillion times. But I don't hold that against him.

Update (3/25): Well, now I got no complaints, 'cuz the centipede song is now available for download. I just listened to it, and I must say, it's pretty badass. I really like the way he mixed it.

Coffee = bad

I normally don't drink coffee, but I decided to have a cup today because I haven't been sleeping well (see today's other post). Well, I'm awake as a motherfucker now. My hands are shaking, and I feel like I've just done crystal meth. Coffee fucking sucks.

Singing the blues

The other night I had a dream that I could sing the Blues better than anyone. I don't know how this came up, but it was true. For some reason, I was the best Blues musician that ever lived.

I think this has something to do with the fact that my car was stolen the day before.

It was a good car, my car. Old, yes. No fancy features to speak of. Well, it did have automatic seatbelts, actually, but I don't think that counts. It served me well and didn't complain too much. All it ever asked for was a full gas tank and an oil change every 3000 miles. And now some thief somewhere is pissed that he stole my hunk of junk. Because it won't work for anyone but me. Maybe he'll crash it into a ditch so it can be recovered.

Mr. (or Mrs.) Thief, who/wherever you are, just ditch my car already. Please. No questions asked. Just park it on the side of the road or the highway or in a tow-away zone and walk away. Surely you can do better than my 1989 Toyota Camry. I have faith in you. You just need to believe in yourself, and you can do anything you set your mind to. Go for the big score, the BMW, the Porsche, the Humvee, what-have-you. You can do it, man.

On the plus side, I have a very nice rental car in the meantime. And I figured out how to change my blog settings such that the time displayed is US-Eastern, so it doesn't look like I'm writing this at 6:00 A.M.

*Sigh*

Funny footnotes

Now re-reading: Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. It's a pretty funny, book, actually. The plot's a bit complicated to explain, but it goes something like this: Due to a mix-up in the hospital, the Antichrist is raised by a normal middle-class English family, unaware of his true identity or powers. So an angel and a demon (who, having worked with each other for the past 6000 years, are now drinking buddies) are trying to find him and get him to use his powers for Good or Evil, respectively. Other wackiness happens involving the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Armageddon, Atlantis, Witches, and the only book of accurate prophecies ever written.

It's a fun read. It's made more fun by the silly footnotes the authors put in every now and then. Such as this explanation of the (now antiquated) British currency system:

"Two farthings = One Ha'penny. Two Ha'pennies = One Penny. Three pennies = A Thrupenny Bit. Two Thrupences = A Sixpence. Two Six-pences = One Shilling, or Bob. Two Bob = A Florin. One Florin and One Sixpence = Half a Crown. Four Half Crowns = Ten Bob Note. Two Ten Bob Notes = One Pound (or 240 Pennies). One Pound and One Shilling = One Guinea.

The British resisited decimalized currency for a long time because they thought it was too complicated."

Funny stuff, that is.

TEH ANSWERS 2 AL LIEFS QUESTIONS1!!11! OMG LOL

(Post title courtesy of the AOLer Translator)

My plan for tonight:

1) Log onto IM.

2) IM this guy.

Hours of fun will ensue, I'm sure. I plan to ask for the Canadian viewpoint on Michael Moore's Bowling for Columbine. That should be fun.

B all that you can B

Just finished: The Story of B by Daniel Quinn.

If any of Quinn's books were going to be adapted to a movie, this would be the one. It's the most dramatic, the most narrative of all the Ishamel books (I classify this as an Ishamel book even though Ishmael himself isn't actually in it -- it has the same format as the other books sans talking gorilla). Plot summary: Apparently, part of the Laurentian (they're like Jesuits, but different) mission is to be on the lookout for, and to identify before anyone else, the Antichrist. So, our hero, Father Jared Osbourne, a Laurentian priest, is sent on a mission to Germany to ascertain whether or not a travelling lecturer with a growing following is the Antichrist. He listens to the lectures, takes very detailed notes (as in, word-for-word, which is fortunate for the reader, eh?), and starts to re-evaluate how he views the world 'n such. Of course, if this is the first Daniel Quinn book you're reading, you'll probably be doing the same. At least, you should be. More craziness happens, but I won't go into it because I don't want to give away the crazy-ass plot twist at the end of the book. One of the nice features of the novel, though, is that he's included the full text of the speeches as appendices at the end of the book, referenced by footnotes when the hero hears them spoken. This kind of hypertextual deal is a really good idea, I think -- it gives you the choice to flip to the end and read the speeches as they happen (as I did) or to just keep on with the narrative. I think you could just read through the whole book without flipping to the back and still get the same ideas, but I was curious.

I've had a kind of rocky past with Daniel Quinn. When I read Ishamel, I had the same experience every first-time reader of Quinn has -- I was mind-boggled, blown-away, and then returned to my everyday existence without really doing anything different. Then I read the sequel, My Ishmael, which I've mentioned before. When I first read that book, I was pissed because he said some stuff about education that I thought was wrong. Then I learned about the Met, which is kind of a manifestation of what he was talking about, and that made me change my mind. Now I've read B, and I realized something really important about Daniel Quinn and his books.

Everybody needs go out and read them right now. Seriously. Go. Why are you still reading this?

I don't know if he's 100% right or 100% wrong or somewhere in between, but the worldview he espouses rings of enough truth that it needs to be looked at. If he's wrong, somebody please give me a counter-book to read so I can see why. If he's right, then everybody desparately needs to read his stuff, and right now. Either way, some serious discussion needs to be had on a large scale about the stuff this guy is saying. I said before that B would make a good movie. Well, I'm going to take that a step further -- it needs to be made into a movie. And I think now's the right time, seeing as how The Passion is raking in the dough. B will be like an anti-Passion. It'll be great. That is, if the screenplay is written by someone with more skill than me.

To repeat: Go out and get this book. Or do what I did and get somebody else to check it out from their school's library for you (thanks, Katie, by the way). Read. Discuss. Do something, dammit.

Update -- on a whim, I checked the imdb to see if any of Quinn's stuff had actually been turned into a movie without my noticing, and it turns out this is as close as it's come. It was "suggested by" Ishmael, which is not what I had in mind. I'm talking about a real, honest-to-goodness adaptation.

Fanflick better than original?

This is friggin' awesome. It's a site featuring a 15-minute long fan-made Matrix film. It's a huge download (135 megs, I think), and you have to download DivX to view the high-quality version, but I think it's worth it. It's a really impressive feat of filmmaking for just a bunch of dudes. And it has nifty kung-fu stuff, too.

I saw the TV movie "Judas" the other night. It was crap. "The Passion" was still fresh in my mind, so all I could think was, "Dude, why isn't this in Aramaic?" Plus, Jesus was stupid. He looked kinda like Matthew Lillard, a.k.a. that guy in all those bad movies (except for Hackers, which was kinda neat).

A bit of the old ultra-violence

My weekend started with me watching the first half hour of "Irreversible", the most god-awful French film ever made. To give you an idea of how French it is, the first line of the movie (spoken by a naked, old Frenchman) is, "Time destroys all things." To give you an idea of how god-awful it is, it features a 10 minute rape scene that was the most brutal and unrelenting horror show ever recorded on film. I feel a lesser person for having watched it.

I said "was the most brutal", because then I went and saw "The Passion".

I saw it alone because Katie refused to see it, as did my roommate. "Wusses," I thought. This movie is, without a doubt, the most violent thing I've ever seen. Ever. And I play a lot of video games. I laughed at Grand Theft Auto as I ran over innocent bystanders in my tank. I yawned throughout Resident Evil as I blew zombies to pieces. The Passion just pissed me off. A whole lot. I think it was the audience. One woman in the back was yelling stuff at the screen -- I couldn't actually made out what she said, but I think it was something along the lines of, "Judas, you bastard!" Another woman totally lost her shit at around the time Jesus was crucified, and just started sobbing very loudly. All of this kind of pissed me off, because I didn't think all of the torture Jesus was going through was particularly sad. It was unnecessary. Plus, I found myself thinking, "Just DIE already, for Christ's -- er, Your sake." I was counting the minutes until the crucifixion. Then they nailed him to the cross, and I looked down at my watch.

"Shit, there's still 30 minutes left? Fuck me."

I actually considered walking out. I've never walked out of a movie before, and I probably never will, because: a) I need to know how a story ends, even if it sucks, and b) I invested 6 bucks (saw a matinee show) in that motherfucker.
I'm glad I stuck it out until the end and got to see zombie Jesus. Here's my question: Why did Mel decide to have the resurrected Christ still have holes through his palms? Is it just to tip off the audience that this actually is Christ risen from the dead? Because it looked B-level-horror-film cheesy. And people in the audience actually cheered when they saw that crap. "What the hell is wrong with you people? Didn't you see this coming? I mean, it's not exactly an M. Night Shyamalan-esque twist ending."

All that being said, there were parts I did kinda like. Namely, all the stuff that didn't involve Jesus getting scourged. The portrayal of Pontius Pilate, the "cast the first stone" flashback, the very beginning, Peter, and so on. Plus, I learned how to count in Latin (thanks to the aforementioned scourging). And I kind of see why the violence was necessary -- it says a lot about the J-Man that he could get whipped with metal-spike-tipped chains and still say things like, "Love your enemies". So I'm about 50/50 on the whole deal. Would've been more interesting without all the blood.

P.S. Didn't think it was anti-semitic. Of course, since Mel himself started the rumors of anti-semitism by saying, "It's not anti-semitic" 3 months before anyone actually saw any footage, that's probably not surprising. The Jews are a bit like a seething mob of bloodthirsy bastards, but so are most of the Romans. Especially the ones doing the scourging. So it all evens out.

I choose you, Censer Angel!

Silly link of the day: Apocamon. That's a combo of Apocalypse + Pokemon. See the wackiness that ensues when the obnoxiously cute meets the wrath of God. My favorite Apocamon: Lamb. His blood can get anything clean! That's power.

By popular demand

Well, seems like I've made some new friends out in cyberspace due to our mutual interest in "Belleville Rendezvous". Ah, the unifying power of music...

Due to popular (and by "popular", I mean 3 people) demand, this is an improved link to a page with the lyrics to "Swinging Belleville Rendez-vous". For the benefit of those of you who don't speak French, the link on the lower right side of the screen under"Paroles" is where the lyrics are. Right above that you'll find a link to a clip from the music video.

Note: The lyrics are in French, too, which I personally think sounds better than the translated version they sang at the Oscars.

Hope this helps, all. Happy swingin'!

Huh huh...you said Black Hole...

Re: The brother's "Black Hole" meditations -- I always thought the ending was Heaven and Hell, too. I mean, what else would it be? There are only two scenes (besides the ending) that I remember from that movie...

1) The two robot dudes fighting Maximillion and the older one getting killed. Very touching and tender moment betwixt two robot buds. Didn't we have the action figures for those guys at some point? I distinctly remember playing with some Black Hole-inspired figurines.

2) Maximillion cutting through that one guy's chest with his Freddy Krueger-esque whirling blade attack. That shit freaked me out.

Oh, and speaking of crappy scifi, remember that Nickelodeon film with the big Chewbacca-looking thing with the glowing red nose? What the hell was that shit?

Katie (and everybody else who isn't my brother) -- you probably won't understand anything in this post so far. What can I say? I'm a big ol' dork.

Just got finished watching Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Now that's a crap movie. Why do people think it's the best high school hijinx flick since the Breakfast Club? Oooo, she gets an abortion, it's all serious 'n shit. Oooo.

Oh, and I also read "Dances With Wolves" recently. I don't know what to make of that book, but it's really sticking with me for some reason. Makes me want to study Native American history. Or at least read some kinda first-person narrative history of the Commanche.

Still haven't seen "The Passion". Must see it soon, or will be left behind the hype tidal wave. Maybe it'll provide talking points for me and IB.