"Opinions are like assholes..."

Friday nights have become movie night at David's house. Yesterday, we watched a really awful movie called "The Weight of Water". Not even worth going into the details. Suffice it to say, it sucked. But in it, Elizabeth Hurley (who has a topless scene, it should be noted) plays this kinda ho-bag of a character who's trying to seduce Sean Penn's character, who is married or something (I wasn't really paying attention). So I started making wise-ass remarks like, "That Liz Hurley is such a slut. But she sure is cute, eh?" So after one such remark, David pauses the movie, and we have the following conversation. Now, I say it's a conversation, but it's really more like a monologue in which I thought responses back at him, but never actually said anything. So I'll put my thought-responses in italics.

David: But what's the point in someone being cute if they're like that? See, I think, in this country, people, men and women both, put too much emphasis on superficial things like appearance. Now, don't get me wrong, I think God --

Me: I actually rolled my eyes here, but he didn't notice

David: -- made man and woman to be together. It's natural they should be attracted to each other.

Me: I'm afraid I see where this is going...

David: So I don't think homosexuals were created by God that way or were born that way or anything. I think it's an unnatural choice those people make.

Me: Actually speechless. In my mind.

April (As though it were the most obvious thing in the world): It's in the Bible!

Me: You know what else is in the Bible? That women can't speak in church and shellfish are an abomination. So let's be consistent, shall we? Why don't you be a good little Christian and shut the fuck up?

David: But, you know what they say ... opinions are like assholes; everyone's got one.

Me: Yeah, and some are shitty.

David: You look like you wanted to say something just now?

Me (grinning): About assholes?

David: No, about what I was just saying.

Me: Oh ... You fucking bigotted asshole. I knew we could never be friends. Fucking stupid son of a bitch. Nope.

And we watched the rest of the crappy movie. And Liz Hurley is friggin' hawt.

By the way, thanks to OnlyConnect for pointing out the humorous bible quotes.

Oy gevault

Last night was my first rehearsal with the CRC choir. For the benefit of the goyim, CRC = Central Reform Congregation, a groovy little synagogue. It was like being back in Encore. (Yes, I know we spelled it "Enchor", but that's actually just stupid). Wide range of vocal ability and experience and the music wasn't too hard. Unlike Encore (post-Jaime Alberts, I mean), there were people in charge who actually knew what they were doing. And, also unlike Encore, a whole lotta people showed up. And we sang a bunch of Jewish stuff. But besides all that, just like Encore. What I mean to say is, it was a lot of fun, and a nice change of pace from the harrowing experience of the SLCC. Plus, I'll actually get to perform with the CRC choir, so that's always nice.

Speaking of college groups that I sang in, I happened to check in on the Madrigals, and I noticed that, like, 3/4 of the group just graduated, if that list of members on the website is accurate. So now, they've got 1 soprano, 1 alto, 2 tenors, and 2 basses. Yikes. I hope that list didn't include spring semester auditions. Or a bunch of the new alums stay in Rhode Island and keep singing with the group. Then again, I guess that would just be kind of weird.

In the beginning...

Tonight was my first rehearsal with the Chamber Chorus.

Holy. Shit.

So, um, glad I'm just an understudy. Because the music is completely overwhelming. And everybody else kicks my ass. Vocally speaking. Let me ask you other members of the chorus something -- how do you all pick up a piece of music you've never seen before and sing it like you've been practicing it for years? Does everybody have perfect pitch except for me? Wtf, mate?

The theme of the first concert is "In The Beginning". 'Cuz it's the 50th anniversary of the chorus, and we're* singing stuff that they sang in year one. And we're also singing this monstrous song by Aaron Copland called ... "In The Beginning". It's Genesis I:1 - II:7 (you know, all the "In the beginning, god created the heaven and the earth" stuff) set to crazy music. It's fucking awesome. Pretty much the best version of anything from the Bible set to music evar. Find a recording of it and you'll see what I mean. But prepare to have your proverbial socks blown off.

*Note: By "we", I really mean "they", seeing as how I'm an understudy 'n all. But I like to pretend I'm really part of the chorus. I'm like a classical music groupie. Which is like any other kind of groupie except without the sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll. So, um, not really like a groupie.

Attention internets -- find me a vocal teacher who doesn't cost an arm and a leg. Thank you.

The nose in front of your face

So, uh, it turns out there is a website devoted to the live-action old-school video game things. Mega64 it's called. From the site's info section:

"In the not too distant future, a former videogame programmer and mad scientist Dr. Poque grows weary of the world's games. Shunned from society, he invents the most powerful videogame console ever created- The Mega64; A machine powerful enough to download old videogames into users' brains, making them embarrassingly real."

There are only 8 videos on the site, but apparently there's some kind of DVD. And these guys have mentioned on VH1's Best Week Ever and G4TV. Thus proving that I really was the last person to hear about them.

The internets are a powerful thing

Sometimes, when I'm bored, I like to go through old posts and read the comments. It pays off, ocassionally, 'cuz I find new comments that random people have posted. For example, this one from a guy I went to high school with. Maybe if I say his name again, he'll appear once more. Todd Kosloff!

Go, Internets. Do my bidding.

The geek version of Jackass

Surely, there's a site full of these things somewhere out there. But until I find it...

Live action Paperboy. As with the live action Ghosts 'n Goblins, only my brother and Mikey will find this funny. And my dream girl, wherever she is.

Samaritans suck

I was hangin' out with my new buddy Dave and his wife, April, the other night. Two things happened that kind of concerned me. And I feel comfortable posting about them because I know he doesn't have a computer. Funny sidestory -- I was trying to have a conversation with him once, and I said, "Hey, did you hear that there's gonna be a new version of Windows coming out in a year?" And he said, "Um...what's that?" So, yeah, probably not gonna find my blog.

1) We were talking about music, and I said something about how I liked Tori Amos. April's response: "Oh yeah, I knew a guy once who liked Tori Amos. He was bisexual." Now, notice she didn't say, "Oh, I haven't listened to much of her stuff" or "Oh, I don't really care for her myself," or "Yeah, I had a friend once who really liked her." Directly to bisexual. Interesting. But I'd have let that slide if it weren't for the next incident.

2) Relevant bit of backstory for this: when I first went out to lunch with Dave (after he helped change my flat tire), he was telling me about his church and stuff. He asked me if I ever go to church, and I told him I was Jewish. Point is, he knows I'm jewish. I'm sure he told his wife as well.

So I'm sitting next to her, and she was reading her Bible to herself (did I mention that Dave is kinda religious?). All of a sudden, she just kinda says, "Wow." So, I try to strike up a conversation. 'Cuz I'm thinking, Hey, I'm an English major; I have a passing familiarity with the Bible. So I ask her what she's reading, and it's some story about how Jesus stopped along a road to talk to a Samaritan. April's commentary:

"It was really amazing that he did that, because back then, Jews didn't talk to the Samaritans. Jesus was awesome!"

So now I'm thinking, Wait ... did she just Jew-bash me? Was that a coincidence? At the time, I just kind of nodded my head and smiled. "Yeah, Jesus was a pretty great fella." But the more I think about it, the less I think it was coincidence. I think they're setting me up for the big Conversion pitch. And it really bums me out, because I thought I had a new friend. Turns out I had a missionary instead.

G-d damn it.

In which Johnny Depp and a fat man screw my ex and wreck my apartment

Check out this crazy-ass dream I had last night:

So I come home to my apartment, and some fat dude and my ex are sprawled out on a table, going at it.

Wait, before I get started, I just wanted to point out that I can say whatever I want about my ex since she doesn't read my blog anymore. Watch: SCREW YOU, KATIE! See? Nothin'.

Back to the story: so Fat Man and Katie see me walk in and stop. I'm all like, "what's going on?" And they're like, "Hey, you know..." Then I see that Johnny Depp is there, and he starts getting uppity. So we're about to throw down, and then Katie steps in and breaks us apart. She says something to me along the lines of, "If you had watched this documentary about him, you wouldn't be trying to pick a fight with him. He's a really nice guy." So then I get really pissed, because I've just noticed a big-ass hole in the floor of my apartment that Johnny Depp has created for the purpose of storing beer. Don't ask me how that works -- I guess I have refrigerated floors in my dream apartment. So I start screaming at Katie, "This isn't your apartment, it's MINE!" Except that I hold out the "mine" for a really long time, like I'm an opera singer or a ninja or something.

Then I wake up, and I'm really scared for some reason. Maybe I thought Johnny Depp was still in my apartment, diggin' up my parquet to make a wine cellar. Maybe I thought my ex and the fat man (who, after he put on his clothes, actually seemed to be in pretty good shape) were still doing the nasty on my kitchen table.

Anyways, it was super weird, and now you all know about how my subconscious works.

Arthur says, "What now!"

Like most Internet memes and fads, I'm probably the last guy to hear about this one, but here it goes anyway. Check it. Live action Ghosts 'n Goblins. Fuggin' hilarious.

Two caveats:

1) The only people who will find this funny are Mikey and my brother.

2) I got a "error occurred inside the plugin" when I tried to view the video on the website, but when I downloaded it and ran it from my compy, it worked.

Mozart -- NSFW?

Inspired by the link Mikey posted in a recent comment to Tourettes Guy, I decided to look up what Tourette's Syndrome was really like. Wikipedia's entry on the subject cleared up a lot of stuff for me. For example, coprolalia, the urge to yell out socially-unacceptable words and epithets, is actually a much less common symptom of TS than other things, like motor tics or coughing.

Wiki also had a link to this article in which a composer argues that Mozart suffered from TS. Evidence? Among other things, that he was obsessed with writing naughty words. For example, he wrote an allegedly beautiful song entitled "Lick Out My Arsehole". Yeah, I'm not kidding. Quoth the composer:

"When you write a song, as Mozart did, called Lick Out My Arsehole, that in itself is not so shocking judged by the standards of his day. But what is very odd and Touretty about it is that he set it to the most gorgeous, sublime tune. It's Tourettishly inappropriate."

Tourettishly inappropriate indeed. I challenge you, surfers of the Internets, to find me an mp3 of this song. I mean, somebody, somewhere must've performed and recorded it. How could they not?

Mozart -- the original Johnny Rotten.