I know what the Bride's name is, bitches...

...Because I paused the film and read it off of her plane ticket to Okinawa.

Yeah, I just watched Kill Bill, Vol. 1. I really really liked it. A lot. And I haven't seen any of the kabillion kung fu movies it references, either. Is it super-violent? Yes. But having seen The Passion, the violence in this flick seems more comic-book/anime-esque than realistic, so it didn't really bother me that much. I mean, when somebody gets his arm cut off and a gallon of fake blood shoots out of his stump like a fire hose, you're more amused than disgusted. At least I was.

And when you get past the violence, it's a pretty fuckin' awesome movie. Super-stylized only the way Quentin can. He manages to direct his way through about 5 different genres, including spaghetti western, anime, Yakuza mob flick, and samurai. Not to mention your straight-up, good ole-fashioned revenge tragedy (I'm guessing, not having seen part 2). It's just a fun movie to watch. Unless you have a weak stomach.

One thing I thought was stupid: why can't we hear her name? It's not like it's a Word of Power or some shit. And the intrusive "bleeping" over characters saying it was just stupid. Why not just have them not say it at all?

So overall, it's a really good film. Although I am glad I didn't see it right after seeing The Passion. That would've been a bit much.

The mystery continues...

I, too, saw Shieh37 online last night. I almost IM'd him. I had the box open and everything. But I couldn't think of what to say. I was going for something kind of smart-assey, yet sincere. Something along the lines of, "I'll give you $100 if you remember who I am." Then he logged off. That sneaky, sneaky bastard. I'll get you, Shieh37! If it's the last thing I doooooooo!

Oh, and bro? What "upload" feature are you talkin' bout? There ain't no upload here, my friend.

What I've been doing today: playing a whole lotta video games. I don't know why I haven't been fired yet. Or at least reprimanded. But hey, when I only get 9 calls in a day, video games keep me from losing my mind. Completely. Although I did have a pretty funny call -- this really friendly guy called in and as soon as I picked up said, "Hey, how ya doing?" So naturally, I replied, "I'm fine, how are you?" And he said, "Oh, any day above ground is good for me." Wacky old people.

I'm slowly working my way through the Series 6 book. It's kind of obnoxious. It's written exactly like a high school text book, down to the boldface vocabulary words and review questions at the end of each chapter. But what's really obnoxious is the fact that it seems to be written with the sole purpose of passing the Series 6 exam. Which I guess is good, but it makes me feel dirty. Teaching to the test = bad, goddammit. They could at least pretend that some of this stuff has intrinsic value beyond passing a test. And I think it does, actually -- I didn't know what a stock or a bond was until I started reading this book, for whatever that's worth.

Movin' on up.

Wha--?

Right, so first, lemme just say thanks to the 'rents for a marvy time this weekend. We went down to Newport, saw the pretty scenery and the crazy-fabulous Vanderbilt mansion. Then we had dinner with mah lady's 'rents, which was also interesting. And tasty. We got to draw on the tables with crayons, as well, which made the evening complete. Oh, and I got to check out mother's new Palm Pilot, which is very nifty. You can take pictures with it, even. And we did -- and you'd get to see them, too, if I had a place to host them. Trust me, they're great.

But now I'm back at work. And things just got interesting. Last week, the Boss gave me this little binder of stuff that was supposed to help me learn the other half of the product we deal with. Unfortunately, it doesn't have what you would call "information" in it. In fact, it's mainly what you would call "worksheets with no answer keys" and "crossword puzzles". Which means I have to "make shit up". So that's interesting. But I'm managing to learn a thing or two. I don't know how in hell I'm supposed to deal with customers based on my word-search-based knowledge, but I guess I'll worry about that later.

Today, the boss also gave me a big fat 300+ page book. This is the NASD Series 6 training book. Go Google that to find out what that means. And then tell me, 'cuz I don't know. I'm too busy freaking out at the fact that I was just given a 300+ page book and have no idea what the hell any of it means. But I think it'll help me in the future or something. Gak.

The collection is now complete...

This lady I know now has her very own blog. It's just gettin' off the ground, but soon I'm sure we'll all be able to hear incredibly insightful commentary into the world of Reality Television among other things. Maybe even some discussion about cute things like puppies. Or kitties. Or Fiends!.

The 'rents visited this weekend. My thoughts later.

Shakespeare meets Monty Python

Have you ever wanted to read the more obscure Shakespeare plays so that you could impress your friends, but didn't want to go through all the trouble of actually reading the crappy ones like "Pericles, Prince of Tyre"? Well, this will get you started -- it's a condensed and silly version of Pericles. It's absolutely hilarious. I must've looked pretty silly here at The Office as I sat in my cubicle cracking up.

My favorite line:

MARINA: Have I mentioned that I can form a compound sentence in which the subjects and the verbs all agree, and periodically employ similes to make my point, as birds use twigs to make their nests?

Seriously, read the whole thing. It'll make your day. And you'll never have to read "Pericles".

Food for thought

"All sorts of creatures on this planet appear to be on the verge of attaining that self-awareness and intelligence. So it's definitely not just humans that the gods are after. We were never meant to be the only players on this stage. Apparently, the gods intend this planet to be a garden filled with creatures that are self-aware and intelligent ... Man is the first of all these. He's the trailblazer, the pathfinder. His destiny is to be the first to learn that creatures like man have a choice: They can try to thwart the gods and perish in the attempt -- or they can stand aside and make some room for all the rest.

"But it's more than that. His destiny is to be the father of them all."

--- Ishmael, Daniel Quinn, page 242.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Everybody needs to read this goddam book. Right now. Hey Leaf Peeper, maybe this could be our first "book club"?

Bullshit.

I would just like to express my profound disappointment and anger at the fact that Bill is the Apprentice. Stupid cigar-making motherfucker... Congrats, Don. You just hired an exact clone of your ugly-ass self. You had the chance to make things interesting with Kwame, but you went the dumbass route. I guess that's why you're "The Donald".

Oh, and Omorosa? You fucking suck. Go work at McDonald's. That's the only place you'll be able to keep a job. Way to get Kwame fired. I especially love how you blamed him for losing Jessica Simpson. You stupid whore.

I would also like to give Katie a virtual punch in the arm for getting me hooked on that show. I feel like I am a lesser person for having spent two hours of my life watching the finale. Well, one hour and 45 minutes. I stopped watching after I found out Bill won. I could've spent that time playing Beyond Good & Evil (fucking slaughterhouse...)

I would write /rant, but my brother doesn't think that's funny. So how about this: /fuckally'allbitches.

Able was I ere I saw Elba

Just wanted to say happy birthday to my lady, who is 22 today. 22! It's a palindrome! The last time that happened, you were 11. The next time it'll happen, you'll be 33. Spooooooooky, eh? Here's hoping you'll be able to enjoy the day a little bit, despite having to work on your thesis. Hey, at least you get to watch The Apprentice ... it's almost like Donald Trump is giving you a present.

Happy birthday, sweetie. Mwach!

Yo Mammago

Now playing: Beyond Good & Evil. Best game ever?

It's plays like Zelda, but set in sci-fi world. And has better dialogue. And a better plot. In short, it's like Zelda, but a lot better. Lots of hidden crap (how in the name of god are you supposed to get all 88 pearls without consulting a walkthrough?), a ridiculous mid-game area that I'm still stuck at (fuckin' factory...), and a talking pig. What else could you want from a game? How about a hovercraft, a photo-scavenger hunt, amazing graphics (the backgrounds are on par with ICO), and a super-kickin' soundtrack? It's got all that, too. Not enough can be said about how awesome the soundtrack is. I especially like the song that plays at the "Mammago Garage" (where you go to upgrade your hovercraft). It's this reggae-esque jam. Very catchy. Oh, and the Latin-Salsa thing that plays when you go through the hovercraft race. That's freakin' awesome, too. The last time I liked a soundtrack this much was Final Fantasy VI (and VII, and VIII).

Ok, I think I've used up my quota of parentheses.

One downside: the combat. It's a wee bit on the repetitive side. Also, I'm not sure what kind of replay value this game will have. I know that, after I finish the current run-through I'm on, I'll have to play through it at least one more time so I can get all the aforementioned hidden crap. After that, I think I'll just play through it again so I can listen to the music.

l33t blogger spelling?

I have one question:

What's up with bloggers spelling "secret" as "sekrit"? Yes, I'm talking about you. You, too. Did I miss a memo? Has the OED been revised? Someone give me the 411.

Hath not a Jew a blog?

Not much going on. But I feel obligated to post since it's been a week.

I've gotten onto a Shakespeare kick recently. Last week I read "Merchant of Venice", which is actually not that good. All the business with Shylock gets resolved at the end of act 4, which leaves one entire act for denouement and the wrapping up of the lame-ass love story sub-plot. But it's a comedy, so what can you do? Now I'm reading "The Tempest", which is better, but it's almost like Shakespeare was trying to show off some nifty new special effects equipment his theatre got. Every five seconds shit flies around or descends or alights or otherwise does magical stuff. It's cool and all, but kinda gratuitous. One can only imagine what Willy would've done with Skywalker Ranch at his disposal.

And while I'm talking smack about the Greats, I'm going to commit further English major heresy. I've also been reading The Great Gatsby. It's a wee bit on the annoying side. Fitzy writes the shit out of that book. Every time something dramatic is about to happen, F. Scott jumps in and starts writing. For example, when Gatsby and Daisy have their first meeting at Nick's house -- Gatsby walks in, Daisy and him look at each other for a bit, and just before they start talking, Nick leaves the room to go look at some trees. What the fuck?

Eh. Maybe my problem is I just want to read something for fun. Not for dissection. I want to read Wil Wheaton's book(s). Although, based on his blog, I'm not particularly fond of his style either. He's almost the opopsite of F. Scott, like he doesn't write enough. But he's funny and interesting, so that kinda makes up for it.

By the way, let me just say that I'm disappointed in all of you for not responding to my "what would happen if you were ejected into the vacuum of space with no suit" question. I was hoping for some insightful commentary.

What the ...

If you were looking carefully enough at the Homestarrunner April Fool's page, you probably noticed a reference to this site. At first, I didn't give it any thought, but on a whim, I decided to see if it was a real URL. Turns out it's some kind of joke site for a fake corporation. Pretty funny, in a weird "what-the-mother-fuck?" kind of way. My favorite part:

"In a bold design move sure to shock the industry, THORAXCORP.com recently acquired the 'Arial' family of fonts. 'Times New Roman? More like Times OLD Roman,' said webmaster Mark Delabor."

It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere...

Question of the day: What would happen if you were ejected into the vacuum of space with no suit?

This question is inspired by my having seen "Star Trek: Nemesis" over the weekend, which actually is a fairly entertaining movie. Not Citizen Kane, but it's fun. Much better than Insurrection, which sucked serious balls. Anyway, if you've seen the trailers, you'll know there's a scene in which Data throws himself into space to get from the Enterprise to the bad guy's ship. This sparked a discussion on the IMDB forums about what would actually happen to Data (who's an android, in case ya didn't know) or to human beings in general if they were to find themselves thrown into space with no protective garb. Theories ranged from instant death to "survival for 16 seconds, but with blindness/other brain damage".

Most people agreed that Data's electrical systems would actually be improved by being in near zero-Kelvin temperatures, but that his structure wouldn't do too well. Unless, of course, 24th century scientists managed to find some really kick-ass metals that aren't adversly affected by super-cold temperatures (and are resistant to puncture by micrometeorites and such). It's possible. Hey, they figured out how to go faster than light without time dilation and can transfer matter to energy and back. So why not? Plus, they've developed weapons and shit that manage to produce sound effects in a vacuum, which is also pretty cool.

Would my brother, the astrophysicist, care to weigh in? Put that Princeton degree to good use. Didn't you take a class in this or something?